I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
