The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
