Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
