Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
