i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
