You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
