every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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