Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
