just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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