Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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