My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
