Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My liver just had a heart attack.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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