and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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