put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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