If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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