She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
