He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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