Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
