Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
