Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
