dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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