Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
