We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
