Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
