Please, let me fuck your mom
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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