We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
