The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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