I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
PANTIES FOUND
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