My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think my moral compass just broke
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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