just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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