Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Found your dick twin last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
