based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
