my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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