Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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