I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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