I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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