He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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