Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
God, I missed his penis.
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