i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
