You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
