...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
