That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
