I'm laying in your front yard are you home
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
