Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
