My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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