I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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