You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
