how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she smelled like a LAN party
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
