Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
