I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
