I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
